Dignified or Pathetic?

Here's what I've been doing for the past two days: Writing about two hundred paragraphs like this one:

Now let's move on to our #4-ranked district manager in the nation with a terrific score of 96.25%… a man who has been with the company for 8 1/2 years. He is responsible for the Peducah, Kentucky district that led the nation in the Aciphex Stretch Kicker contest for 2005 and in Duragesic growth and retention. He's celebrating tonight with his wife, Melanie, and we're glad she's here. Please join me in congratulating Fred Rockford.

Yes, it's chimp work but it pays well.

As I write these award intros, my feelings swing wildly. On the one hand, I'm genuinely touched at the expressions of accomplishment, recognition and valuation that are understandably important to these people, as they would be for any of us in our careers.

On the other hand, I'm struck by the utter absurdity of touting someone's crowning achievement as winning the "Aciphex Stretch Kicker contest," among other accolades.

Who the hell thought a GI drug that sounds like "ass effects" was a good name? And putting the words "stretch" and "kicker" anywhere near it is either some kind of crime or evidence of award-winning comic genius in the Freudian Psychosexual Category.

Can something be both dignified and pathetic at the same time?